This piece originally appeared as my monthly column in my hometown newspaper, The Daily Hampshire Gazette.
The worst job I ever had was
back in high school--using a pitchfork to clean the livestock stalls when the
country fair ended. But that task was downright delightful compared with the
manure slinging involved in being Donald Trump's running mate.
As pundits speculate about
who will take on this impossible task, let's explore a list of suspects
(assuming Trump hasn't already cursed an unfortunate soul with his choice by
the time this column is published).
Primary competitors usually
make a muddy puddle of potential running mates, and this election cycle is
murkier than most. A whopping sixteen other candidates sought the Republican nomination,
so we would think there might be plenty to choose from.
Ted Cruz finished second,
but he has called Trump a "pathological liar," a "narcissist,"
and a "rat," among other colorful criticisms. Well, that might be
awkward on the campaign trail.
Marco Rubio won a few states
and was a Republican establishment favorite, but he implied that Trump has a
small … umm … you know what. There's not enough mind bleach in the world to
scrub that thought away. Thanks for nothing, Marco.
John Kasich said that Trump
would lead the nation on a "path to darkness" that is "the
antithesis of all that American has meant for the last 240 years."
"Path to Darkness 2016!" is a more apt bumper sticker than Trump's
deplorable slogan, "Make America Great Again!"
After endorsing Trump, Ben
Carson became perhaps the worst campaign surrogate ever, flattering Trump with
such commendations as, "He has some major defects--there’s no question
about it," and "Are there better people [for president]?
Probably." Hillary Clinton's campaign could make an excellent ad out of
Carson's "endorsement" of Trump.
Trump's most likely running
mate among his former opponents is Chris Christie, who is leading Trump's
ridiculously premature "transition team." But the notoriously
hot-headed New Jersey governor once said of Trump, "I just don’t think
that he’s suited to be president of the United States." Christie will most
likely be transitioning back to the bridges of New Jersey.
Another Trump endorser is
Jimmy McMillan, the founder of "The Rent is too Damn High Party."
Yes, that's real. But considering McMillan is African-American and Trump has
been sued for not renting to African-Americans, that match doesn't seem too
damn likely.
Perhaps Trump could select
one of the high-ranking Republicans in Congress who have whole-heartedly
endorsed him. (Please insert cricket chirps here.)
One of the few Republicans
who has campaigned enthusiastically (and incoherently) for Trump is Sarah
Palin. She already has experience as a losing VP candidate, so she'll be best
prepared for the drubbing Hillary will give the Donald in November. Another
former party luminary rumored for VP is Newt Gingrich, whose main
qualifications seem to be that he rivals Trump in scandals, con artistry, and
ex-wives.
Trump could "honor"
our Bay State and select former short-term Senator Scott Brown, himself once
considered a presidential possibility. Trump has even been imitating Brown's
racist criticism of Elizabeth Warren's Native American ancestry. That worked
out so well for Brown that he now spends more time pimping weight-loss pills
than serving his Wall Street overlords in Congress.
Trump has gotten so much
free corporate media coverage that he could consider what passes for
"professional journalists" these days. MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, who
once salivated over the multiple Trump appearances on the allegedly liberal
network, recently started a tepid Twitter war with the wannabe "Commander
in Tweet," so he's probably out of the running.
Fox News's Sean Hannity has
been Trump's biggest cheerleader at the propaganda wing of the Republican
Party. He has a history as an apologist for criminals such as George Zimmerman
and Cliven Bundy, which could translate well in defending Trump. "Fox and
Friends" gave Trump a forum for his "Birther" nonsense four
years ago, so any of those interchangeable morning hosts would be comfortable
helping to build Trump's wall.
Trump's negative ratings are
so high that he could consider someone even less popular. One possibility is
Martin "Pharma Bro" Shkreli, the smirk-faced, disgraced drug industry
CEO. Shkreli has praised Trump and clearly sees him as a role model when
gouging patients for unspeakable profits on AIDS medication. It's only a matter
of time before Maury Povich says of Trump's relationship with Shkreli,
"You are the father!"
If all else fails, Trump
could choose a fellow reality TV star. Those "Real Housewives" all
seem to be Republicans and as fake-wealthy as Trump. As an added bonus, Trump
might find his fourth wife from among the youngest in the group.
Sensible people would rather
clear manure with their bare hands than ponder being Trump's Vice President.
Being so closely aligned with Trump would require an extremely high tolerance
for repeated embarrassment along with correspondingly low standards for
honesty, knowledge of the issues, and basic human decency.
Hmm … maybe that's the
answer. The most appropriate candidate to be Trump's running mate is … Trump
himself! His ego is certainly "yuuuuge" enough to hold both positions
simultaneously. And he'd probably be happy to take on the second job if he
could find a way to profit from it at the expense of American voters.
John Sheirer is an author
and teacher who lives in Florence. His most recent book is, "Make Common
Sense Common Again." Find him at JohnSheirer.com.
###
Seeing the news about Trumps pick I could say this was prophetic, but all things
ReplyDeleteconsidered, it would be a little like patting myself on the back for predicting sunrise.